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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Made
Tears
Arses
Really
Humor
Trousers
Good
Anyone
Fright
Entangle
Men
Funny
Wire
Terrier
Life
Stuff
Greedy
Terriers
Give
Tear
Barbed
Giving
Cows
Yorkshire
Needs
Nasty
Arse

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The more you know the less the better.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it's like they're in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
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I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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