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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Came
Asks
Waiting
Funny
Someone
Come
Bus
Would
Witty
Standing
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
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I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
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Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
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There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
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Don't die until you're dead.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
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I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
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,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
Billy Connolly
I don't aim to offend.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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