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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
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More quotes by Billy Connolly
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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