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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
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More quotes by Billy Connolly
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
Billy Connolly
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Billy Connolly
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
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I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
Billy Connolly
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Billy Connolly
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Billy Connolly
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
Billy Connolly
I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
Billy Connolly
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
Billy Connolly
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Billy Connolly
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
Billy Connolly
