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When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
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Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
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More quotes by Billy Connolly
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
Billy Connolly
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Billy Connolly
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
Billy Connolly
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
Billy Connolly
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
Billy Connolly
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
Billy Connolly
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly
I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
Billy Connolly
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Billy Connolly
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Billy Connolly
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
Billy Connolly
I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.
Billy Connolly
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
Billy Connolly
Don't die until you're dead.
Billy Connolly
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
Billy Connolly
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
Billy Connolly
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
Billy Connolly
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Billy Connolly
