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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Things
Judaism
Islam
Telling
Christianity
Religion
Seems
Different

More quotes by Billy Connolly

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I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Billy Connolly
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Billy Connolly
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Billy Connolly
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Billy Connolly
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
Billy Connolly
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
Billy Connolly
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All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
Billy Connolly
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Billy Connolly
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Billy Connolly
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
Billy Connolly
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The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Billy Connolly
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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Billy Connolly
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Billy Connolly
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
Billy Connolly
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I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
Billy Connolly
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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Billy Connolly
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If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Billy Connolly
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There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Billy Connolly
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
Billy Connolly