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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Always
Witty
Humorous
Red
Army
Politics
Funny
Doe
Switzerland
Wanted
Knives
More quotes by Billy Connolly
I don't aim to offend.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
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Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
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I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.
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If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
Billy Connolly
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. Is this yours? she asked probably said Paddy she burns everything else
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
Billy Connolly
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
Billy Connolly
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly
Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
Billy Connolly
