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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 81
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Wanted
Knives
Always
Witty
Humorous
Red
Army
Politics
Funny
Doe
Switzerland

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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
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I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. It's the best in the world, he said. What type is it?, I asked and he said ten past twelve.
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Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
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