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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly
Age: 82
Born: 1942
Born: November 24
Actor
Banjoist
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Guitarist
Screenwriter
Singer
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Glasgow
Scotland
Sir William Connolly
Humorous
Red
Army
Politics
Funny
Doe
Switzerland
Wanted
Knives
Always
Witty

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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
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Never trust anybody with only one book.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born nowhere! It's over!
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
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If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.
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I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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