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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.
Bill Maher
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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
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More quotes by Bill Maher
Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.
Bill Maher
Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.
Bill Maher
There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.
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I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?
Bill Maher
What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'?
Bill Maher
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
Bill Maher
They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it 'fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that's worse than being dead.'
Bill Maher
It's been over a year since they've graduated, but neither of the Bush twins have found any work. Why don't they sign up (for military service in Iraq)? Do they hate America, or just freedom in general?
Bill Maher
I never hear terrorists say 'Merry Christmas,' only 'Allahu Akbar'.
Bill Maher
Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.
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Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
Bill Maher
It somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is...he's black.
Bill Maher
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.
Bill Maher
Do you think if it was the fairy tale about a man who lived inside of a whale and it was religion that Jack built a beanstalk today, you would know the difference? Why do you believe in one fairy tale and not the other? Just because adults told you it was true and they scared you into believing it, at pain of death, at pain of burning in hell.
Bill Maher
Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless.
Bill Maher
It's very hard not to be condescending when you're explaining something to an idiot.
Bill Maher
Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.
Bill Maher
Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.
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New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of every man for himself doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.
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Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate.
Bill Maher