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There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
Ways
Mistakenly
Dies
Lobbyists
Three
Congressman
Way
Tweet
Cash
Picture
Office
Goes
Lobbyist

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Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it.
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They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it 'fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that's worse than being dead.'
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African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?
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Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs - another blonde airhead.
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New Rule: President Bush must stop acting like WE'RE the idiots. He gives speech after speech, and the theme is always the same 'What part of freedom don't you get, you morons?'. I'll answer that for you Mr. President. The part where you give it to people by blowing them up.
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Being a conservative also used to involve the concept of people being free to do whatever they want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else. Conservatives used to be very libertarian.
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If the bible myth of Jonah in the whale and the Mother Goose myth of Jack and the Beanstalk were switched at birth so that Jack in the Beanstalk were in the bible, do you think any child would notice?
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Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about...Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings, who don't have all the answers, to think that they do.
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I said I didn't respect religion... and anyone who believes in fairy tales to answer questions that we can't answer... So I don't respect our religions either. But I do believe it is a clash of civilizations, absolutely, between the Islamic world and the Western world. It has been going on for 1,000 years.
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Let's face it God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
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Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.
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Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.
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Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
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I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it's a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life.
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There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.
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There's a new iPad out...People are going nuts for this thing...And, today, Mitt Romney said, 'It's a flat piece of white plastic. If you can love it, why not me?'
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If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.
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I can't believe I'm saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.
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My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp!
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
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