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There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
Picture
Office
Goes
Lobbyist
Mistakenly
Ways
Lobbyists
Dies
Congressman
Three
Tweet
Way
Cash

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When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I'm sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you.
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.
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The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.
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If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.
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Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.
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I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
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Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
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It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.
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The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses.
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Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he's not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge.
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Kids. They're not easy, but there has to be some penalty for having sex.
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Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me it would save a lot of time.
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Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'
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I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?
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It's all been satirized for your protection.
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