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You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts.
Bill Maher
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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
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Democratic
More quotes by Bill Maher
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.
Bill Maher
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'
Bill Maher
New Rule: President Bush must stop acting like WE'RE the idiots. He gives speech after speech, and the theme is always the same 'What part of freedom don't you get, you morons?'. I'll answer that for you Mr. President. The part where you give it to people by blowing them up.
Bill Maher
The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.
Bill Maher
Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs - another blonde airhead.
Bill Maher
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.
Bill Maher
I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it's a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life.
Bill Maher
Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.
Bill Maher
I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit.
Bill Maher
The people who got everything wrong are back on TV talking about the place they got all wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's like Satan's VIP list for Hell.
Bill Maher
My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp!
Bill Maher
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
Bill Maher
Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.
Bill Maher
Stupidity is not another form of knowledge.
Bill Maher
Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control.
Bill Maher
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
Bill Maher
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
Bill Maher
It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.
Bill Maher
If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He gets all his leverage from selling gas and oil. If we had a gas tax that made that less palatable, he would be less of a player on the world stage.
Bill Maher
Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.
Bill Maher