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New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: We go beyond the headlines. That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines saying, We land our jets on the runway!

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
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More quotes by Bill Maher

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McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar.
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A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.
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'The Lorax,'...it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.
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I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor it's not worse than losing your freedom its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.
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What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me it would save a lot of time.
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As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion!
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I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
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Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.
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I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get there?
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Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?
Bill Maher
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Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?'
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The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
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Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.
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Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.
Bill Maher