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John Kerry made a joke about Bush being a moron, and now Bush wants morons to think it was a joke was about the troops. ... Now, John Kerry has apologized. He said he made a botched joke and admitted that he has a joking problem. He has checked into an improv group and revealed that as a child, he was molested by a clown.

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
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Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
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More quotes by Bill Maher

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Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.
Bill Maher
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It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.
Bill Maher
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The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth.
Bill Maher
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What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.
Bill Maher
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We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?
Bill Maher
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If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.
Bill Maher
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The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.
Bill Maher
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I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
Bill Maher
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Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway.
Bill Maher
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I don't know if [Barack Obama] saw the latest religion survey, but almost a quarter of the country are Nones. I don't mean the ones who hit me on the knuckles with a ruler in Sunday School - I mean they put None for religion.
Bill Maher
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I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
Bill Maher
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I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, Keep giving it to the president.
Bill Maher
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Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that's why we aren't seeing support for legalization. People don't think it's necessary to legalize it, because it's so easy to get it.
Bill Maher
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
Bill Maher
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me it would save a lot of time.
Bill Maher
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F. Scott Fitzgerald has an indespensible quote: 'The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at once and still retain the ability to function'. Or, as I like to call it, 'O.J. killed his wife, and the police are corrupt.'
Bill Maher
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It's going to be Perry, it's going to be Romney...It's sort of a battle for the soul of the Republican Party - and they have no soul, but the space where a soul would be.
Bill Maher
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If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
Bill Maher
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If the bible myth of Jonah in the whale and the Mother Goose myth of Jack and the Beanstalk were switched at birth so that Jack in the Beanstalk were in the bible, do you think any child would notice?
Bill Maher
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Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.
Bill Maher