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I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get there?
Bill Maher
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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
Country
Way
World
Third
Thirds
Second
Stop
Understand
More quotes by Bill Maher
I said something recently about how the president [Barak Obama] should stop trying to placate the crazies and the right wing and the Republicans and stand up for the 70 percent of Americans who are not insane and stand up for the people who actually voted for you. That hit a real nerve.
Bill Maher
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
Bill Maher
Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.
Bill Maher
Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
Bill Maher
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.
Bill Maher
They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it 'fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that's worse than being dead.'
Bill Maher
Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction- and that's what global warming is- in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits for me the definition of treason.
Bill Maher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'
Bill Maher
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
Bill Maher
Disneyland's a mess. And it's not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.
Bill Maher
I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
Bill Maher
Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward - like the Koch brothers - to say, 'You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I'm going to lose a fortune!'
Bill Maher
Many people can't deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone. This is also why we love TV shows and movies that neatly wrap up everything in exactly an hour or two.
Bill Maher
Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.
Bill Maher
Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose.
Bill Maher
Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.
Bill Maher
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.
Bill Maher
Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn't possess because you don't possess.
Bill Maher
I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.
Bill Maher
Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'
Bill Maher
