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People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
People
Beginning
Tell
Hard
Sometimes
Always

More quotes by Bill Maher

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A cult is a cult, and that's what a frat is. A place where they strip you of your personality and rebuild it in their image.
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Have you ever met a war you didn't love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.
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They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard.
Bill Maher
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I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.
Bill Maher
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Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
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In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
Bill Maher
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Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.
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The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover.
Bill Maher
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I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes.
Bill Maher
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Conservatives claim [Hillary] Clinton campaign involved in satanic 'spirit cooking'.
Bill Maher
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To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term. That's right, put your cervix where your mouth is.
Bill Maher
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Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!
Bill Maher
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When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.
Bill Maher
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Newt Gingrich...is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I've just to say, you can't be for both. They are diametrically opposed.
Bill Maher
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Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school.
Bill Maher
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Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.
Bill Maher
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A lot of people say they are dyslexic some have to realize that they are just stupid.
Bill Maher
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Next week John Boehner will be sitting behind Barack Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of 'Old Yeller.' The state of our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.'
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I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.
Bill Maher