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I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
Unless
Vegetarian
Realize
Hot
Wouldn
Chinese
Realizing
Parts
Animal
Figure
Condom
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Vegan

More quotes by Bill Maher

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The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth.
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Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
Bill Maher
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When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I'm sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you.
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If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
Bill Maher
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People say to me all the time, I get my news from your show. And that isn't the way they should get their news. But the choice is not between getting their news the right way and getting their news from my show. The choice is that they won't get any at all unless you give it to them in an entertaining package.
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Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify.
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We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
Bill Maher
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'The Lorax,'...it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.
Bill Maher
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Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.
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Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does.
Bill Maher
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Why is Mitt Romney not bragging: 'I covered all these people'? Why can't the Democrats sell the idea, we're trying to make you well? Is that such a hard sale?
Bill Maher
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As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.
Bill Maher
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I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
Bill Maher
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The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.
Bill Maher
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[George W. Bush] has balls. And he's a leader. Unfortunately his balls and leadership are in the service of shitty ideas. We need his balls on someone who thinks right.
Bill Maher
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This is my question for conservatives: don't you want to live, too?
Bill Maher
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Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.
Bill Maher
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The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.
Bill Maher
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Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.
Bill Maher