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I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: January 20
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Writer
New York City
New York
William Maher Jr.
William Maher
Animal
Figure
Condom
Use
Touch
Belt
Jobs
Dog
Belts
Make
Figures
Vegan
Unless
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Realize
Hot
Wouldn
Chinese
Realizing
Parts

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In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!
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All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.
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You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts.
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New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
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Why are the patriots the ones who don't want to spend money on trains?
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If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
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Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they'd said or did when they were in office.
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Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
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You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.
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I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?
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When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.
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Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
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Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
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Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.
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This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.
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I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.
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This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
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Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward - like the Koch brothers - to say, 'You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I'm going to lose a fortune!'
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In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
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