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And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

Bill Hicks

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Bill Hicks
Age: 32 †
Born: 1961
Born: December 16
Died: 1994
Died: February 26
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Musician
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Writer
Valdosta
Georgia
William Melvin Hicks
Laid
Getting
Wrong

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Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.
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The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!
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Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.
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No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.
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I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.
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Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.
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You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.
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Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.
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Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um - they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
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I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.
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Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
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How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
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The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.
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It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.
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People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?
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I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.
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I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego.
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I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.
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What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?
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not all drugs are good.. some of them are great
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