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Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.
Bill Hicks
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Bill Hicks
Age: 32 †
Born: 1961
Born: December 16
Died: 1994
Died: February 26
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Musician
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Writer
Valdosta
Georgia
William Melvin Hicks
Stories
Mummy
Today
Drawer
Drawers
Sock
Woke
Lincoln
Story
Jesus
More quotes by Bill Hicks
Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, And I'm not getting laid. What am I doing wrong?
Bill Hicks
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
Bill Hicks
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
Bill Hicks
How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
Bill Hicks
If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.
Bill Hicks
What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that's fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government's cracking down... on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah.
Bill Hicks
What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!.
Bill Hicks
I'm tired of this back-slappin' isn't humanity neat bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
Bill Hicks
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um - they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
Bill Hicks
Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.
Bill Hicks
I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.
Bill Hicks
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
Bill Hicks
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
Bill Hicks
[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'
Bill Hicks
But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.
Bill Hicks
Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.
Bill Hicks
Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.
Bill Hicks
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.
Bill Hicks
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.
Bill Hicks
People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'
Bill Hicks
