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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
Bill Engvall
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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Stupid
Riding
Takes
Floor
Stuff
Drunk
Loopy
Wells
Shot
Buffer
Well
Shots
Cheapest
Nothing
Planet
Tequila
Like
Planets
Swear
Yeah
Electric
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As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!
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When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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