Quote

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Stupid
Riding
Takes
Floor
Stuff
Drunk
Loopy
Wells
Shot
Buffer
Well
Shots
Cheapest
Nothing
Planet
Tequila
Like
Planets
Swear
Yeah
Electric

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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
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Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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