Quote

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Bill Engvall

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Like
Planets
Swear
Yeah
Electric
Stupid
Riding
Takes
Floor
Stuff
Drunk
Loopy
Wells
Shot
Buffer
Well
Shots
Cheapest
Nothing
Planet
Tequila

More quotes by Bill Engvall

Image
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
Bill Engvall
Image
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot. Well of course it's a golf shot I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.
Bill Engvall
Image
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
Bill Engvall
Image
I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
Image
I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Bill Engvall
Image
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
Bill Engvall
Image
I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
Bill Engvall
Image
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall
Image
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
Bill Engvall
Image
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Bill Engvall
Image
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
Bill Engvall
Image
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
Bill Engvall
Image
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
Image
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
Bill Engvall
Image
The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
Bill Engvall
Image
I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
Bill Engvall
Image
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
Bill Engvall
Image
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
Bill Engvall
Image
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
Bill Engvall
Image
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall