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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Lays
Bed
Older
Getting
Half
Think
Thinking
Wasted

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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
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Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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