Quote

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Feel
Shark
Feels
Sharks
Time
Interrupted
Hotel
Tells
Safe
Water
Someone
Mating

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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
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I go I just want a cup of black coffee. She goes Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy. Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot. Well of course it's a golf shot I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
Bill Engvall
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Bill Engvall
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
Bill Engvall
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Bill Engvall