Quote

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Turns
Planes
Next
Sign
Going
Towards
Nope
Hour
Seattle
Sitting
Francisco
Says
Traveling
Guy
Plane
Hours
Hey

More quotes by Bill Engvall

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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
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I go I just want a cup of black coffee. She goes Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy. Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall