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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
People
Older
Listen
Think
Thinking

More quotes by Bill Engvall

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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Bill Engvall
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Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
Bill Engvall
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
Bill Engvall
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Bill Engvall
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
Bill Engvall
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
Bill Engvall
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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Bill Engvall
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
Bill Engvall
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
Bill Engvall
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
Bill Engvall
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
Bill Engvall
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
Bill Engvall
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
Bill Engvall
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Bill Engvall