Quote

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Looks
Climb
Believe
Climbs
Like
Wanna
Ride
Lady
Distance
Carnival
Close
Carnivals
Fun
Gaga

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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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