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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Killed
Least
Two
Never
People
Hippos
Hippo

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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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