Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
Bill Engvall
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Believe
Way
Sucks
Life
Saying
Alive
Pain
Nature
Stills
Still
More quotes by Bill Engvall
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
Bill Engvall
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Bill Engvall
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
Bill Engvall
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
Bill Engvall
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
Bill Engvall
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Bill Engvall
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
Bill Engvall
I go I just want a cup of black coffee. She goes Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy. Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
Bill Engvall
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
Bill Engvall
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
Bill Engvall
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
Bill Engvall
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
Bill Engvall
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
Bill Engvall
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
Bill Engvall
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall
