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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Believe
Way
Sucks
Life
Saying
Alive
Pain
Nature
Stills
Still

More quotes by Bill Engvall

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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Bill Engvall
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
Bill Engvall
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
Bill Engvall
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
Bill Engvall
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
Bill Engvall
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
Bill Engvall