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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Nature
Stills
Still
Believe
Way
Sucks
Life
Saying
Alive
Pain

More quotes by Bill Engvall

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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
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When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
Bill Engvall
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
Bill Engvall
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
Bill Engvall
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
Bill Engvall
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
Bill Engvall