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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Ruins
Stands
Humor
Funny
Recreational
Thought
Vacations
Vacation
Vehicle
Stood

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The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
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Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot. Well of course it's a golf shot I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Bill Engvall