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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
Bill Engvall
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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Pushed
Buttons
Humor
Morning
Funny
Didn
Jackass
Jackasses
Button
More quotes by Bill Engvall
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Bill Engvall
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
Bill Engvall
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
Bill Engvall
