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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
Bill Engvall
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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Buttons
Humor
Morning
Funny
Didn
Jackass
Jackasses
Button
Pushed
More quotes by Bill Engvall
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
Bill Engvall
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
I go I just want a cup of black coffee. She goes Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy. Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
Bill Engvall
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Bill Engvall
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
Bill Engvall
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
Bill Engvall
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
Bill Engvall
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
Bill Engvall
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
Bill Engvall
I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Bill Engvall
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
Bill Engvall
I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
Bill Engvall
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
Bill Engvall
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Bill Engvall
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
Bill Engvall
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
Bill Engvall
