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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
Bill Engvall
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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Didn
Jackass
Jackasses
Button
Pushed
Buttons
Humor
Morning
Funny
More quotes by Bill Engvall
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
Bill Engvall
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
Bill Engvall
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
Bill Engvall
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Bill Engvall
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
Bill Engvall
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
Bill Engvall
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
Bill Engvall
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Bill Engvall
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
Bill Engvall
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
Bill Engvall
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
Bill Engvall
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Bill Engvall
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!
Bill Engvall
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
Bill Engvall
I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
Bill Engvall
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
Bill Engvall
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Bill Engvall
