Quote

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: July 27
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Singer
Songwriter
Television Actor
Galveston
Texas
William Ray Bill Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
Jr.
William Engvall
Jr.
William Ray Engvall
William Engvall
Week
Twist
Wife
Repeating
Lasts
Twists
Last
Ties
World
Welcome
Argument
Bears
Stupid
Collects

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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!
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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
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And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I thought RV stood for Recreational Vehicle. No! It stands for Ruins Vacations.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
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There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
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