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I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Bill Bailey

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Bill Bailey
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 13
Comedian
Composer
Guitarist
Pianist
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Bath
Somerset
Mark Bailey
Nearly
Aren
Humor
Duck
Funny
Ducks
Vegetarian
Strict
Fish
Fishes

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I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
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Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
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Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
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Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
Bill Bailey