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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

Bill Bailey

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Bill Bailey
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 13
Comedian
Composer
Guitarist
Pianist
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Bath
Somerset
Mark Bailey
Humor
Four
Funny
Amoebas
Two
Bulb
Light
Bulbs
Doe
Screw
Take
Screws
Many
Eight

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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
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I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.
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I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
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The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
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I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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