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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Bill Bailey

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Bill Bailey
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 13
Comedian
Composer
Guitarist
Pianist
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Bath
Somerset
Mark Bailey
Funny
Hawks
Rubbish
Dad
Humor
Bloke
Saying
Slayer
Face
Blokes
Wrong
Punched
Faces
Hawk

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But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.
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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
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In Unity there is strength We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
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