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Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

Bill Bailey

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Bill Bailey
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 13
Comedian
Composer
Guitarist
Pianist
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Bath
Somerset
Mark Bailey
Well
Tells
Something
Humor
Believe
Quite
Happened
Funny
True
Empiricism
Someone
Relaxed
Wells
Quitting

More quotes by Bill Bailey

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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
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But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
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I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says Why the long face?. The horse replies: I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.
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I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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In Unity there is strength We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'
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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.
Bill Bailey