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Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

Bill Bailey

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Bill Bailey
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 13
Comedian
Composer
Guitarist
Pianist
Screenwriter
Singer-Songwriter
Stage Actor
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Bath
Somerset
Mark Bailey
Someone
Relaxed
Wells
Quitting
Well
Tells
Something
Humor
Believe
Quite
Happened
Funny
True
Empiricism

More quotes by Bill Bailey

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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says Why the long face?. The horse replies: I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
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Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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