Football season: The only time of the year when a man can walk down the street with a blond on one arm and a blanket on the other without encountering raised eyebrows.

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

I don't stutter when I talk to God. He loves me.

I think the right to read, is one of our inherent rights, and I think that people in America today are intelligent enough to decide for themselves what they want to read. Without being told, by self-appointed people, you must not read this, or you cannot read this.

For me, a hearty belly laugh is one of the beautiful sounds in the world.

Fame - anyone who says he doesn't like it is crazy

The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.

Censor: A self-appointed snoophound who sticks his nose in other people's business.

I think it's become fashionable for the snobbish egghead today to make fun of television. I've heard many people, boast, I would never have a television set in my house, well, these people are fools.

Most of the things that are supposed to be so objectionable in books are things that every teenager, in the United States, not only knows, but has talked about at length in school, or on the way home from school.

Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.

There once was a student named Bessor Whose knowledge grew lessor and lessor. It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And today he's a college professor!

In a notable family called Stein There were Gertrude, and Ep, and then Ein. Gert's writing was hazy, Ep's statues were crazy, And nobody understood Ein.

Oratory is the art of making a loud noise sound like a deep thought.