This morning when I left Mom's parting words were, Come straight home after school. Wow! Like I'm going to get stoned at 3:30—it doesn't sound so bad at that.

My biggest mistake: not wanting to help myself into thinking I am happy, that change would come about without really trying to change, or wanting to change. Procrastinating about changing. I do want to change.

The complete bottom has fallen out of my life.

Maybe the new me will be different.

Sometimes fantasies are better than life.

It's a good thing most people bleed on the inside or this would be a gory, blood-smeared earth.

I'm not really sure which parts of myself are real and which parts are things I've gotten from books.

How can thoughts hurt so much when they aren't even physical?

Why is life so difficult? Why can't we be just ourselves and have everyone accept us the way we are?

I wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone in this whole world. I wouldn't hurt them physically or emotionally, how then can people so consistently do it to me? Even my parents treat me like I'm stupid and inferior and ever short. I guess I'll never measure up to anyone's expectations. I surely don't measure up to what I'd like to be.

Lying - remembering beauty in truth.

I can't believe that I changed so little. I expected to look old and hollow and gray, but I guess it's only me on the inside that has shriveled and deteriorated.

They have accepted me as an individual, as a personality, as an entity. I belong! I am important! I am somebody!

They don’t think “I care,” “I hurt,” or “I have feelings.” It just seems like I’m always “wrong,” always “selfish,” always “self-centered” and everything else that’s negative and destructive.

I’ve got to sleep. Sleep is my only way to escape.

Alone. The saddest word in the world.