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I thought, I can't do advertising any more, so I was downloading all these PDF applications from community colleges. And I thought, I'll become a paramedic. I'll get a two-year associate degree, if I can get in.

Augusten Burroughs

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Augusten Burroughs
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: October 23
Journalist
Novelist
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Year
Colleges
Community
Associate
Two
Associates
Thought
Application
Become
Advertising
Years
Degree
Paramedics
Degrees
Downloading
College
Applications

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your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood don't go there alone.
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Saying just the right thing after a considerable, awkward pause is far less effective than saying the wrong thing with perfect timing. I'm telling you.
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Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never put your best foot forward.
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I once read about a guy who lost his arms in a fire. The nurse took pity on him and gave him a hand job. I don't even get that.
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You would be amazed by what you can give up, lose, or break, and yet still be a person who gets happy over brownies.
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If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.
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Perfection is the satin-lined casket of creativity and originality. If you are a perfectionist, at least stop telling everybody you're one and try to get over it yourself, alone in your home with the lights off
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I realized I could really become hooked on these happy pills. They gave me a glorious feeling of general well-being and didn't make me fat, like alcohol. I wondered if there was any harm in being addicted to only these.
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After was better. Before was only there so After could happen.
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There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.
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If you find you require willpower, you aren't ready to lose weight.
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The more obsessed one is with getting thin, the more certain it becomes that one will never get there.
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Tracy, the leader of the CDH group, looks at me with eyes that seem to belong to someone three times her age. It's something beyond wisdom, all the way to insanity and back. It's like her eyes are scarred from all the things she's seen.
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And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.
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Confidence is a reduction of your own interest in whether others are thinking about you and if so, what they're thinking.
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This is how you survive the unsurvivable, this is how you lose that which you cannot bear to lose, this is how you reinvent yourself, overcome your abusers, fulfill your ambitions and meet the love of your life: by following what is true, no matter where it leads you.
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I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes.
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I did not consider him to be any kind of a genius. I considered him deeply lacking in the area that mattered most in life. Star quality.
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Not crazy in a 'let's paint the kitchen bright red!' sort of way. But crazy in a 'gas oven, toothpaste sandwich, I am God' sort of way. Gone were the days when she would stand on the deck lighting lemon-scented candles without then having to eat the wax.p28
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I don't really think of my blog as a real blog. It's a lame blog. It's more like my when-the-mood-strikes update, or smoke signal.
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