Quote

As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?

Augusten Burroughs

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Augusten Burroughs
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: October 23
Journalist
Novelist
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Littles
Sure
Missed
Strapped
Little
Jesus
Identify
Pepsi
Children
Making
Received
Doll
Good
Girl
Cross
Coke
World
Father
Crosses
Dolls
House
Somewhere
Santa
Tell
Angry
Promised
Young
Child
Mixed

More quotes by Augusten Burroughs

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The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was nobody to tell you what not to do.
Augusten Burroughs
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If you hate your life, you haven't' seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and doesn't' fit you.
Augusten Burroughs
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You need to grab your dream out of the sky like it's a kite and pinch the string through your fingers until you reach the spool.
Augusten Burroughs
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I don't have a fixed routine. I write every day but I don't write every day, if that makes any sense. In other words, I email with my friends constantly and sometimes I'll pull out something I've written and save it.
Augusten Burroughs
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Perfection is the satin-lined casket of creativity and originality. If you are a perfectionist, at least stop telling everybody you're one and try to get over it yourself, alone in your home with the lights off
Augusten Burroughs
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I was learning that if I lived slightly in the future-what will happen next-I didn't have to feel so much about what was going on in the present.
Augusten Burroughs
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Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed by it. As though it has done this to you.
Augusten Burroughs
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It's weird - sort of not terribly wise - to take a book that was successful and then change its cover.
Augusten Burroughs
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I missed him so much that I had physical sensations of loss, all over my body. Like one minute I was missing an arm, the next my spleen. It was making me feel sick, like throwing up.
Augusten Burroughs
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Writing has enriched my life in ways I never imaged.
Augusten Burroughs
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What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan?
Augusten Burroughs
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Never work with children, puppies or bulimics.
Augusten Burroughs
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You cannot be a prisoner of your past against your will. Because you can only live in the past inside your mind.
Augusten Burroughs
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I came to think that maybe God was what you believed in because you needed to feel you weren’t alone. Maybe God was simply that part of yourself that was always there and always strong, even when you were not.
Augusten Burroughs
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While I liked hamsters, too, the Habitrail cage was expensive. Even I could see that the interconnecting boxes, tubes, and spheres could easily bankrupt a family and lead to addiction later in life. Because, how would you know when to stop? How could you stop? An entire city could be built with a Habitrail.
Augusten Burroughs
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If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.
Augusten Burroughs
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He's a really nice guy, if only I weren't me.
Augusten Burroughs
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I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you.
Augusten Burroughs
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Throwing things horrified me. I suffered extreme, paralyzing anxiety when it came to anything remotely athletic. I wouldn't even run to catch the school bus because I knew I'd trip and then get teased for a year.
Augusten Burroughs
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Marriage is overdone. As long as there are people, people are going to find it interesting.
Augusten Burroughs