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Our lives are one endless stretch of misery punctuated by processed fast foods and the occasional crisis or amusing curiosity.

Augusten Burroughs

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Augusten Burroughs
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: October 23
Journalist
Novelist
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Misery
Punctuated
Fast
Processed
Crisis
Foods
Lives
Amusing
Occasional
Stretch
Curiosity
Endless

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Confidence is a reduction of your own interest in whether others are thinking about you and if so, what they're thinking.
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We haven't slept together. But we've napped
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He's a really nice guy, if only I weren't me.
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There's never a false note in a Berg novel.
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There is nothing about myself that I wouldn't reveal or write about. I don't care how horrendous or ridiculous I may appear in person or in print. There is great freedom in not caring what other people think.
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Marriage is overdone. As long as there are people, people are going to find it interesting.
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The secret to being a writer is that you have to write. It's not enough to think about writing or to study literature or plan a future life as an author. You really have to lock yourself away, alone, and get to work.
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I don't have a fixed routine. I write every day but I don't write every day, if that makes any sense. In other words, I email with my friends constantly and sometimes I'll pull out something I've written and save it.
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I felt a bottomless sadness. So completely alone. Like one of my stuffed animals at home that I was too old for now, that sat on the shelf in my closet, mashed against the back wall.
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Stars should not be seen alone. That's why there are so many. Two people should stand together and look at them. One person alone will surely miss the good ones.
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You cannot be a prisoner of your past against your will. Because you can only live in the past inside your mind.
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Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people.
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As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?
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It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then?
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Bad news should be followed with soup. Then a nap.
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Nobody's trying to kill you, Deirdre. You're killing yourself.
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It's weird - sort of not terribly wise - to take a book that was successful and then change its cover.
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Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed by it. As though it has done this to you.
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If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.
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Perfection is the satin-lined casket of creativity and originality. If you are a perfectionist, at least stop telling everybody you're one and try to get over it yourself, alone in your home with the lights off
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