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What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan?

Augusten Burroughs

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Augusten Burroughs
Age: 58
Born: 1965
Born: October 23
Journalist
Novelist
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Death
Would
Officer
Ticket
Tickets
Officers
Dare
Police

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Writing has enriched my life in ways I never imaged.
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The more obsessed one is with getting thin, the more certain it becomes that one will never get there.
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I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness.
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I don't think writers - in general - ever achieve the fame of movie stars. For the simple reason that only a fraction of the population reads. But I guess there are exceptions.
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I once read about a guy who lost his arms in a fire. The nurse took pity on him and gave him a hand job. I don't even get that.
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Other people sound flat to my ear their words just hang in the air. But when my mother says something, the ends curl.
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The secret to being a writer is that you have to write. It's not enough to think about writing or to study literature or plan a future life as an author. You really have to lock yourself away, alone, and get to work.
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I was like a packet of powdered Sea Monkeys and they were like water.
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I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking in.
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He's a really nice guy, if only I weren't me.
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You cannot be a prisoner of your past against your will. Because you can only live in the past inside your mind.
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When people meet me, many times they're very surprised because they expect someone who is kind of wacky with seven piercings and very hip and cool and New York City, and I'm not.
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There's never a false note in a Berg novel.
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Throwing things horrified me. I suffered extreme, paralyzing anxiety when it came to anything remotely athletic. I wouldn't even run to catch the school bus because I knew I'd trip and then get teased for a year.
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I realized I could really become hooked on these happy pills. They gave me a glorious feeling of general well-being and didn't make me fat, like alcohol. I wondered if there was any harm in being addicted to only these.
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To me, these people were as exotic as animals in a zoo. I'd never seen anything like them. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be one of them or simply live among them taking notes and photographs.
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If you find you require willpower, you aren't ready to lose weight.
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I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes.
Augusten Burroughs
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And I hope she does not live in a dark world. Because even the most terrible loss doesn't have to make you darker it can make you deeper.
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The most mortifying fact of my life is something that happened when I was fourteen and I have never admitted to anyone: not to friends nor therapists not even in rehab when we were detailing our own personal spirals of shame did I confess. It is this: I am a graduate of the Barbizon School of Modeling.
Augusten Burroughs