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I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes.

Augusten Burroughs

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Augusten Burroughs
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: October 23
Journalist
Novelist
Writer
Pittsburg
Pennsylvania
Really
Giants
Shapes
Continue
Childhood
Recycle
Look
Rusty
Looks
Tuna
Many
Recycling
Different
Giant

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The past doesn't haunt us, we haunt the past.
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What I really want is to sit next to someone under an L.L. bean blanket on the beach in the fall and drink coffee from the same mug. I don't want some rusty '73 Ford Pinto with a factory-defective gas tank that causes it to explode when it's rear-ended in the parking lot of the supermarket. So why do I keep looking for Pintos?
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What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan?
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Self-pity is the bestiality of emotions: it absolutely disgusts people. When you're feeling pity for yourself, and somebody says to you 'You think maybe it's time for the pity party to be over? You should stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to think positive,' it makes you wish you could saw their head off.
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If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.
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Perfection is the satin-lined casket of creativity and originality. If you are a perfectionist, at least stop telling everybody you're one and try to get over it yourself, alone in your home with the lights off
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I was like a packet of powdered Sea Monkeys and they were like water.
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Stars should not be seen alone. That's why there are so many. Two people should stand together and look at them. One person alone will surely miss the good ones.
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You would be amazed by what you can give up, lose, or break, and yet still be a person who gets happy over brownies.
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As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?
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I've learned how to turn the adversities in my life into enriching experiences. You can actually gain a lot from adversities and they make you the person you are today.
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I never could have written the screenplay because I would have been forced to learn new software and I can't learn one more thing.
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We were young. We were bored. And the old electroshock therapy machine was just under the stairs in a box next to the Hoover.
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The most valuable moments and experiences that life has to offer are found only along its most treacherous paths.
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The dark side of blogging is, of course, people can be (and are) just savage and uncivilized, deeply cruel and fully unaccountable.
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It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then?
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When people meet me, many times they're very surprised because they expect someone who is kind of wacky with seven piercings and very hip and cool and New York City, and I'm not.
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Marriage is overdone. As long as there are people, people are going to find it interesting.
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