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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
First
Cruise
Going
Director
Life
Directors
Class
May
Look
Firsts
Looks
Titanic
More quotes by Art Buchwald
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The best things in life aren't things.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
Art Buchwald