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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
May
Look
Firsts
Looks
Titanic
First
Cruise
Going
Director
Life
Directors
Class
More quotes by Art Buchwald
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
Art Buchwald
I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
Art Buchwald
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
Art Buchwald
The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
Art Buchwald
Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
Art Buchwald
The best things in life aren't things.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
Art Buchwald
I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
Art Buchwald
I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
Art Buchwald
If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
Art Buchwald