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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Look
Firsts
Looks
Titanic
First
Cruise
Going
Director
Life
Directors
Class
May

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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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